"Here She Comes..."

The 1996 Miss America Pageant Individual Interview Portion:

MC: Please welcome our next contestant, Kylee Shepperton from New Hope, Alabama... ladies and gentlemen, KYLEE

Kylee: (Waving) Good evening, everyone!

Kylee: (In her mind) THANK GOD no one found out my real name is Kylee Bochner and that my brother is constantly in and out of prison

MC: New Hope, such a great name for a city!

Kylee: (Big smile) Yes, it sure is - I suppose you could say it gave me a lot of HOPE for all of my endeavors

Kylee: (In her mind) "Cesspool Central" would be more appropriate and the only hope it gave me was "Please God, get me the fuck out of here!"

MC: That's wonderful - so, tell us a little about your life there

Kylee: Life was wonderful in New Hope, there was always singing and dancing and laughing in our house - a house full of family warmth and love

Kylee: (In her mind) Actually, there was more screaming and crying, a trailer full of despair as well as mental, physical and sexual abuse

MC: Fantastic - it says here that you are a senior at the University of Alabama, is that correct?

Kylee: (Raising her fist) GO CRIMSON TIDE

Kylee: (In her mind) I WISH I had gone to Auburn

MC: And what is your field of study?

Kylee: Communications with a minor in dance

Kylee: (In her mind) Also known as the "clips, hips and lips special"

MC: Why Communications?

Kylee: I believe that communication is the common root we all share as a human race and when we learn to overcome obstacles and achieve greater communication, the result is better understanding and world peace... I want to be a part of that

Kylee: (In her mind) I JUST GODDAMN BLEW IT

MC: Ah, it says here that your childhood news idol was Jessica Savitch of NBC?

Kylee: That's right, when I was a little girl, my momma used to point to the TV and say "Someday, Honey, I hope you'll be just like her!"

Kylee: (In her mind) She'd also say "For the love of God, just don't end up a checker at the Jitney-Jungle!"

MC: Tell us a little more about your idol

Kylee: She was a real pioneer for women in broadcast news

Kylee: (In her mind) She was also was a burnt-out coke whore who died in a tragic car crash

MC: And why did you admire her?

Kylee: Besides her career achievements, I also admired Jessica for her tenacity and determination in a male-dominated field

Kylee: (In her mind) And she had pretty eyes

MC: (Nervous) Heh, but it's not dominated like that anymore, is it?

Kylee: (Shaking her head) Oh no, not at all!

Kylee: (In her mind) Lookie, I just lied to America and they all know it!

MC: Tell us about your charity, "Dance Away Sorrow, Dance Away Sadness"

Kylee: Since dance is my specialty, I helped start DASDAS as a way to share my joy with those who normally would not participate in such activities - it gives me great pleasure and fulfillment when I show deaf kids how to bust a move

Kylee: (In her mind) It was either them or rumba with the smelly old people at the home

MC: That is truly fascinating, so your students can actually feel the music?

Kylee: They sure can!

Kylee: (In her mind) I once turned on the washing machine and told them it was Pearl Jam

MC: We're coming down to our last few questions

Kylee: Great!

Kylee: (In her mind) How much longer is this bullshit gonna take?

MC: As Miss America, your duties involve a whirl-wind tour around our great nation for a whole year, meeting fascinating people and doing important work - are you prepared for this?

Kylee: Absolutely, I can't wait to share the ideals of the Miss America Pageant with everyone and help out where I'm needed!

Kylee: (In her mind) A whole year of opening up new shopping centers, visiting sick children and banging overseas servicemen, I CAN'T WAIT

MC: One of the highlights of the Miss America Tour is getting to ride the giant turkey in Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, looking forward to that?

Kylee: It would be an honor

Kylee: (In her mind) It's not the first time I'd have to straddle an old bird and it sure as hell won't be the last

MC: (Looking out at the audience) I understand you have your mother and your grandfather, Boopaw, as your cheering section tonight?

Kylee: Of course!

Kylee: (In her mind) DAMN, I paid security to keep the skank and the old coot out!

MC: Boopaw?

Kylee: Heh, when I was a tiny thing, my granddaddy would take his dentures out, put them in his hand and chase me around the yard screaming "BOO" - so, I called him Boopaw

Kylee: (In her mind) Bastard has given me nightmares for life

MC: How adorable - and now I have to ask for all of the single men in the audience, is there a boyfriend?

Kylee: No, not at this time

Kylee: (In her mind) Don't forget the married men, Buddy - I'm guessing in a few hours I'll have plenty to pick from, maybe even a sheik or two

MC: Final question, if you wished for one thing to come true, what would it be and why?

Kylee: (Thinks for a moment) Well, besides the obvious of no more war and famine, I would have to say that I would wish for everyone to spend a few minutes in my heart so they, too, could participate in this glorious, one-of-a-kind experience

Kylee: (In her mind) And so they could hear the REAL answers kicking around in my head

MC: What a great answer, thank you, Kylee - ladies and gentlemen, Miss Alabama, Kylee Shepperton!

Kylee: Thank you and God Bless America!

Kylee: (In her mind as she walks off) No matter what happens here tonight, I have a standing offer to join KCON because I agreed to let the station manager screw me in the ass

.

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