"Taking Care of Business"
Flying back to Duquesa Bay in his private jet, Douglas Martel, the co-CEO of Meeramar shipping, discusses his recent board meeting in San Diego with his associates over a conference call.
Doug: Gentlemen, I was quite pleased with the 4th quarter report - I don't see any reason for apprehension - we're on schedule as far as I'm concerned - my son, Griffin, is spearheading this project and I have full faith in his ability to get it done - we'll discuss it more in depth over lunch next week - Bert, good luck with your polyps and Fletcher, let me know what happens in Phoenix... talk to you later, 'bye
He hangs up and dials his son.
Doug: Griff, it's dad - listen, I'm on my way back now - I BETTER see some spectacular reports from you - I just sold a bill of goods to Bert and Fletcher, YOU need to come through and back this up, big time, son - 'CAUSE WE CAN'T AFFORD ANYMORE FUCK-UPS, YOU FUCK THIS UP, I FUCK YOU UP, it's that simple - see you at the office
He hangs up and quickly peruses the sports page of his newspaper. Now dialing the manager of his baseball farm club, "The Cactus," Douglas blows his nose into a blue linen handkerchief and clears his throat.
Doug: Hey, Billy, how's it going? - I see we won the last three games, that's great - tell me, what's the status of the first baseman? - and what did the MRI show? - ooh, that's not good, not good at all - there's no way they'll ever repair that to perfection, we're talking long rehab here and he's just not worth the effort - find a way to cut him loose - nope, sorry, he's damaged goods now, we have other cheaper talent waiting in the wings - his wife just had twins? - how nice, be sure to send him a gift basket with two of everything - then find a loophole in his contract and send him packing! - I'll be at the game tomorrow afternoon, make sure the cheerleaders do that little dance I like
As he hangs up from that call, another one comes through from his personal secretary.
Doug: What's up, Phyllis? - oh, her birthday's next week? - just pick out an expensive bracelet and fill her chambers with purple flowers - hmm, or is her favorite color yellow? - hell, just fill it up with yellow and purple flowers - thanks, and have the cargo reports waiting on my desk - I'll be there in an hour
Once again, he hangs up. This time, he dials his daughter, Victoria Martel.
Doug: Vikki, it's daddy - someone's birthday is coming up soon - on Wednesday? - THURSDAY, THURSDAY, I knew that - anyway, pick out a decent restaurant, something I KNOW you can do with aplomb, and we'll go - fabulous, oh, and give me the number of your law school buddy in the 5th circuit - 'bye, Sweetie!
As he reclines in his leather seat, an attractive bottle-blonde flight attendant struts over and serves him some coffee. Doug smiles and enjoys the view as she hands him a file.
Flight Attendant: If I may be so bold, Mr. Martel, I'd like to leave my photos and resume with you - if there are ANY extra roles on "Sigma 7," I'd do anything for the opportunity
Doug: (Thumbing through the photos) Very nice headshots... and other shots as well
Flight Attendant: (Smirking) For your pleasure
Doug: (Picking up a copy of "Variety") Actually, Honey, you just reminded me of something
Flight Attendant: (Squeezing his knee) Something good, I hope
Doug: (Frowning at the trade paper) Eh, not quite - now, if you'll excuse me, I need to make a call
Flight Attendant: (Seductive look) If you need anything else, I'll be in the lavatory
Doug: (Winking) I'll see what I can do for you about a walk-on
Flight Attendant: (Closing the door behind her) My numbers are on the resume
Doug dials the other executive producer of his show, "Sigma 7."
Doug: Andy, what's the story? - uh-huh, well, I'm looking at the ratings here and they're stagnant, we're doing well but we're being creamed by a game show, A FUCKING GAME SHOW, ANDY - and DON'T even get me started on Regis - we need to do something, QUICKLY, to broaden the audience base - NATPE is coming up soon and we need to go in there with something that will knock their socks off - I don't give a rat's ass about the loyal audience, they'll tune in if we have Ursula reading out of a phone book - what's on board for sweeps? - no, no, I don't like that idea at all - it's too intellectual, we need something risky that will get a lot of press - forget Jessie, she's not in charge, this is no longer her show, it's OURS, please remind her of that fact - as for the Marcy problem, I have no clue about what to do - the audience freaking adores her, she skews across the board - I know, I know, she needs to do publicity for the show, no matter how much she despises it - look, Andy, I don't care if we stick her in a white lace wedding dress while she simultaneously sucks off six dicks, it still won't make her seem straight because MARCY NOLAN IS NOT STRAIGHT - she knows it, the camera knows it, all of America and some mid-eastern countries know it but no one has the balls to admit it - God forbid this former "Teen Sweetheart" be anything but a happy hetero - look, we've TRIED with every possible male love interest, dark, blond, tall, short, fat, thin, old, young, white, black - hell, we even tried a one-legged guy - NO CHEMISTRY, yet she even so much as glances at a female extra and we've got crotch fluid, I'm talking Niagara Falls here - NO, we've tried that, if she sticks her tongue down his throat any further, it's going to be coming out of his ass!
The jet's pilot speaks over the intercom.
Pilot: Mr. Martel, you wanted me to let you know when we were ready to land?
Doug: Thanks, Jim, I want to take this tin bird in myself, I'll be there in five
He retruns to his call.
Doug: We'll discuss all this later, Andy - also, I have a sky whore here who needs a part, see what you can do - ciao!
Douglas Martel places one final phone call.
Doug: (Exceedingly serious) Have you found out anymore about my wife's new lover? - I expect results by the end of the week and they better be on videotape - look, I don't care who it is, I want this matter taken care of ASAP, do you understand? - I will NOT be played for a fool!
He slams down the phone and stares out the window at the city below him.
Doug: He's a dead man, Ursi, enjoy him while you can
Surfaced on July 1, 2000
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