"Le Spa Duchesse"

Finishing an intense work out at the Le Spa Duchesse gym, Lieutenant Anita Fiore treads into the locker room to change. She stops to chat up a few lady friends.

Friend #1: (Strutting past) Once again, Fiore, you spun us into the ground during class

Anita: What can I say, I had a lot of nervous energy that needed to be taken care of

Friend #2: Don't we all

Anita: Loco job duties, crazier family matters - it's enough to make me scream... and that's rare

Friend #1: Heh, yeah

Friend #2: What's the problem, your usual "conduits" not working for you?

Anita: (Stripping off her clothes) They ALWAYS work for me... just not enough lately

Friend #1: Aww, that's a real shame - so you had to take it out on innocent free weights

Anita: (Smirking) Unless you have another suggestion

Friend #1: (Disappearing into the shower) NU-UH, not this time, I've had enough Fiore Frenzy to last me an eternity

Anita: (Wrapping herself in a towel) Sorry to hear that

Friend #2: She finally grew a conscience

Anita: (Heading for the sauna) Good for her... you should try it sometime

Friend #2: (Looking back and winking) Never!

Anita: I'll keep that in mind!

Now inside the steam room, Anita can barley see in front of her. She takes a seat on the wooden bench and feels something beneath her.


Anita: OH, I'M SO SORRY - I didn't realize... Marcy?

Marcy: (Waving away some of the steam from her face) Anita?

Anita: WELL, Ms. Nolan, imagine running into you... AGAIN

Marcy: Hello, Lieutenant

Anita: Are ya following me?

Marcy: OF COURSE, that's it, YOU just tried to sit on my fingers without buying me dinner first and I am the one that's following you - sure, let's go with that

Anita: You're an actress, you should be able to go with anything

Marcy: That's your rep, isn't it, Fiore?

Anita: No, you see, I stick to one side of the playing field unlike certain others in this room... wait a minute... there ARE no others in the room... except you

Marcy: Let's just say I like to experience the bounty that is life

Anita: Tell me, did you ever experience the bounty that was Jenny?

Marcy: Excuse me?

Anita: You know, your "sister" on the show

Marcy: Ah, a conversation about "Life's Little Lessons" - what a surprise

Anita: (Singing the theme song)

From the bow to the stern
Every corner, there's a turn

Marcy: Please don't sing

Anita: (Louder)

Play with fire, you'll get burned
Finally, one day, you will learn
Life's - Little - Lessons

Marcy: And


Marcy: Great, did you get that out of your system now?

Anita: You didn't answer my initial question

Marcy: Yep, I made my way through all of them, does that satisfy your prurient interests?

Anita: (Shocked) EVEN RABBI SAUL?

Marcy: Nope, Rabbi Saul was a eunuch - the result of a very ugly golf cart accident

Anita: OY

Marcy: Stop saying that

Anita: Sorry, it's just that I learned everything I know about Judaism from watching Rabbi Saul and the show

Marcy: That's a sad commentary about the education of our American audience but remarkably true - um... you do know that he's not a real rabbi, right?

Anita: I always wondered

Marcy: He's not even Jewish

Anita: WHAT?

Marcy: Graham Dobbs, a classically trained English actor


Marcy: He made us all eat tripe one day as a prank

Anita: Ooh, I don't want to hear anymore

Marcy: So, you don't want to know about Rabbi Saul doing Widow Perkins behind the lighting trucks... before the accident that is?

Anita: NOOO - you're shattering my childhood ideal!

Marcy: Well, I guess you don't want to hear about me doing "Jenny" on location in Japan then?

Anita: Come again?

Marcy: Our first real introduction to sushi

Anita: Seriously?

Marcy: We were old enough to share a hotel room - one night in Osaka, her hand went looking for the cookies but reached for the wrong jar

Anita: (Doing a little dance) I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT

Marcy: Don't soil yourself, Lieutenant, EVERYONE knew it just by watching us - the producers knew it, the network suits knew it, even Snappy the one-eyed turtle knew it

Anita: Aww, I loved Snappy!

Marcy: Total prop


Marcy: On some sick level of total denial, our parents knew it as well - but no one was willing to admit it - the money was too good

Anita: Legalized kiddie porn?

Marcy: Maybe just a shade above it but I sure felt like I was being pimped

Anita: Who knew that a sitcom about a rabbi taking care of five orphaned siblings in 1920's Toronto would be such a big hit?

Marcy: Or a musical - don't forget that wonderful aspect!

Anita: I'm amazed it lasted for ten years

Marcy: Nine years too many for me - my entire puberty was caught on film and I can relive the wonders of it in just about any country that has cable

Anita: That's kinda scary

Marcy: YEAH, IT IS

Anita: Back to "Jenny?"

Marcy: Right, back to SARA... her real name

Anita: I know

Marcy: Just a reminder, we do have real names

Anita: I'll make a note of it

Marcy: The on-screen chemistry I had with Sara was even more intense off-screen - being the same age, we literally grew up together - two kids from opposite ends of the country enjoying fame and fortune and rampaging hormones...

Anita: I thought you had this big romance going with that Olympic skier guy?

Marcy: Bobby, yep, that was arranged by the producers - they also set up Sara with the mayor's son... she's married to him now with four kids

Anita: Wow - so I guess it worked out?

Marcy: I guess you could say that

Anita: Sorry

Marcy: Nah, it was mostly a teenage crush thing coupled with the fact that she was the only person in the whole world who knew exactly what I was going through - "Jackie" and "Julie" were too young and "Johnny" was too busy porking Widow Perkins when other crew members weren't


Marcy: (Slight laugh) Tell me about it!

Anita: You... um didn't, I mean...

Marcy: ARE YOU KIDDING? - I have some standards

Anita: (Sighing) Good

Marcy: (Playfully) Not for you, it isn't

Anita: Hey

The two chuckle and shift positions.

Anita: So, are you going to do the reunion movie?

Marcy: Not in this lifetime or the next


Marcy: No, I do not - I am done with the character of "Jamie" - I owe her nothing and I owe the audience nothing - in fact, they are the ones who owe me

Anita: You're being a total diva!

Marcy: Nope, it's called self-respect... what little of it I still managed to hang on to in this business

Anita: Gimme a break, lady, your career revolves around "B" films and playing a freaking space frog - I highly doubt going back to the role that lined your pockets and made you famous is going to typecast someone who is on the other side of 25

Marcy: You'll never understand

Anita: Do a better job of convincing me

One of the spa attendants pokes her head in the door.

Attendant: Jamie... I'm so sorry, I meant Ms. Nolan, it's time for your milk bath and mud mask

Marcy: (Getting up and glaring at Anita) Thanks

Attendant: It's just that I think of you as Jamie

Marcy: I understand

Attendant: Maybe I could get an autograph from you after the bath... it's for my little sister of course

Marcy: (Walking out the door) Of course

Now relaxing in a private room, submerged in a milk bath with a mud mask covering her face and cucumber slices over her eyes, Marcy takes in the soothing scents of aromatherapy while listening to smooth jazz over the sound system.

Anita: (In a robe and closing the door behind her) I can't believe you listen to this crap

Marcy: (Not moving) I like this crap - why are you in here, Lieutenant, this is a private room?

Anita: (Taking a seat next to the tub) I came in here to apologize - I guess I can see how being Jamie has a few drawbacks

Marcy: Mmm - apology accepted

Anita lingers and says nothing.

Marcy: Is that it?

Anita: (Getting up to leave) Enjoy the rest of your rest

Marcy: (Taking the slices off of her eyes) Anita, wait...

Anita: What?

Marcy: I... I like talking with you - stay... if you'd like

Anita: (Returning to the side of the tub) Alright

Marcy: Tell me about yourself - your job, family

Anita: Actually, I came here today to forget about my job and family - I hope you don't mind

Marcy: I understand - so, what should we talk about?

Anita: (Raising an eyebrow) Do we have to talk?

Marcy: Heh, yes, for now we do

Anita: OK

Marcy: We can switch back to talking about me - actors are incredibly self-involved, we have to be

Anita: I think I've met my match!

Marcy: We'll see about that

Anita: I have a question for you

Marcy: Go ahead

Anita: (Folding her arms) Why Ned?

Marcy: Why not Ned?

Anita: Is he what you want in bed

Marcy: Some of the time

Anita: Flake

Marcy: Flake, coward, whore... I've heard it all before - but it doesn't change the fact that I like doing it with guys - I just happen to like doing it with girls as well

Anita: Why can't you decide?

Marcy: Why should I have to? - have you ever been with a man?

Anita: (Adamant) Never

Marcy: Ever have the urge to?

Anita: (More adamant) Never

Marcy: See, you're a lesbian and I respect that - I wish you could show me the same respect

Anita: I respect those who know who they are

Marcy: I know exactly who I am - I am a bisexual and that's a huge difference, I value the person, not the body part

Anita: (Standing up) Oh yeah? - I can guess which part on Ned you value the most

Marcy: It's more than that - I might give off a strong masculine vibe, but I really do like pink roses and lace curtains... along with the hockey and the sports cars - I just find a man who likes to cook and do the laundry, it's a nice yin yang balance

Anita: And the part of you staring inside my robe opening, what part of the equation does that balance out to?

Marcy: It's called enjoying the view

Anita: Do you love him?

Marcy: I do

Anita: Then why am I wasting my time here?

Marcy: Do you consider it a waste?

Anita: I like friendly chatter as much as the next person but when I'm right next to a beautiful woman in a milk bath and nothing is going to come of it besides more talking, yeah, I do consider it a waste of my time

Marcy: Who is to say nothing will come of it?

Anita: You just said earlier that...

Marcy: Not here - you think I would be stupid enough to risk doing it in a public place? - I may be playing a space frog to you but I happen to love my job

Growing frustrated, Anita stomps about the room.

Marcy: Show some patience, Fiore... and some brains

Marcy slowly gets out of the tub with Anita watching appreciatively.

Marcy: Don't just stand there like a moron, gimme your robe!

Anita: There's another one hanging on the door, get it yourself

Marcy: (Untying Anita's belt) I want yours

Lieutenant Fiore finally complies. Now standing there naked, she helps a grinning Ms. Nolan into the robe and then quickly heads out for the showers. Anita spends about fifteen minutes under the streams of cold water, trying to process the discussion, when a fully-dressed Marcy pokes her head in past the thin plastic curtain.

Marcy: (Taking a long look and then in a low voice) Next Tuesday night at the Quartz Lake Inn... if you think you can handle it

Anita: We'll see if you can


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Surfaced on July 1, 2000
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