"Le Spa Duchesse"
Finishing an intense work out at the Le Spa Duchesse gym, Lieutenant Anita Fiore treads into the locker room to change. She stops to chat up a few lady friends.
Friend #1: (Strutting past) Once again, Fiore, you spun us into the ground during class
Anita: What can I say, I had a lot of nervous energy that needed to be taken care of
Friend #2: Don't we all
Anita: Loco job duties, crazier family matters - it's enough to make me scream... and that's rare
Friend #1: Heh, yeah
Friend #2: What's the problem, your usual "conduits" not working for you?
Anita: (Stripping off her clothes) They ALWAYS work for me... just not enough lately
Friend #1: Aww, that's a real shame - so you had to take it out on innocent free weights
Anita: (Smirking) Unless you have another suggestion
Friend #1: (Disappearing into the shower) NU-UH, not this time, I've had enough Fiore Frenzy to last me an eternity
Anita: (Wrapping herself in a towel) Sorry to hear that
Friend #2: She finally grew a conscience
Anita: (Heading for the sauna) Good for her... you should try it sometime
Friend #2: (Looking back and winking) Never!
Anita: I'll keep that in mind!
Now inside the steam room, Anita can barley see in front of her. She takes a seat on the wooden bench and feels something beneath her.
Marcy: GET OFF OF MY HAND, FREAK
Anita: OH, I'M SO SORRY - I didn't realize... Marcy?
Marcy: (Waving away some of the steam from her face) Anita?
Anita: WELL, Ms. Nolan, imagine running into you... AGAIN
Marcy: Hello, Lieutenant
Anita: Are ya following me?
Marcy: OF COURSE, that's it, YOU just tried to sit on my fingers without buying me dinner first and I am the one that's following you - sure, let's go with that
Anita: You're an actress, you should be able to go with anything
Marcy: That's your rep, isn't it, Fiore?
Anita: No, you see, I stick to one side of the playing field unlike certain others in this room... wait a minute... there ARE no others in the room... except you
Marcy: Let's just say I like to experience the bounty that is life
Anita: Tell me, did you ever experience the bounty that was Jenny?
Marcy: Excuse me?
Anita: You know, your "sister" on the show
Marcy: Ah, a conversation about "Life's Little Lessons" - what a surprise
Anita: (Singing the theme song)
Marcy: Please don't sing
Anita: LIFE'SLITTLELESSONS, OY
Marcy: Great, did you get that out of your system now?
Anita: You didn't answer my initial question
Marcy: Yep, I made my way through all of them, does that satisfy your prurient interests?
Anita: (Shocked) EVEN RABBI SAUL?
Marcy: Nope, Rabbi Saul was a eunuch - the result of a very ugly golf cart accident
Marcy: Stop saying that
Anita: Sorry, it's just that I learned everything I know about Judaism from watching Rabbi Saul and the show
Marcy: That's a sad commentary about the education of our American audience but remarkably true - um... you do know that he's not a real rabbi, right?
Anita: I always wondered
Marcy: He's not even Jewish
Marcy: Graham Dobbs, a classically trained English actor
Anita: NO FREAKING WAY
Marcy: He made us all eat tripe one day as a prank
Anita: Ooh, I don't want to hear anymore
Marcy: So, you don't want to know about Rabbi Saul doing Widow Perkins behind the lighting trucks... before the accident that is?
Anita: NOOO - you're shattering my childhood ideal!
Marcy: Well, I guess you don't want to hear about me doing "Jenny" on location in Japan then?
Anita: Come again?
Marcy: Our first real introduction to sushi
Marcy: We were old enough to share a hotel room - one night in Osaka, her hand went looking for the cookies but reached for the wrong jar
Anita: (Doing a little dance) I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT
Marcy: Don't soil yourself, Lieutenant, EVERYONE knew it just by watching us - the producers knew it, the network suits knew it, even Snappy the one-eyed turtle knew it
Anita: Aww, I loved Snappy!
Marcy: Total prop
Marcy: On some sick level of total denial, our parents knew it as well - but no one was willing to admit it - the money was too good
Anita: Legalized kiddie porn?
Marcy: Maybe just a shade above it but I sure felt like I was being pimped
Anita: Who knew that a sitcom about a rabbi taking care of five orphaned siblings in 1920's Toronto would be such a big hit?
Marcy: Or a musical - don't forget that wonderful aspect!
Anita: I'm amazed it lasted for ten years
Marcy: Nine years too many for me - my entire puberty was caught on film and I can relive the wonders of it in just about any country that has cable
Anita: That's kinda scary
Marcy: YEAH, IT IS
Anita: Back to "Jenny?"
Marcy: Right, back to SARA... her real name
Anita: I know
Marcy: Just a reminder, we do have real names
Anita: I'll make a note of it
Marcy: The on-screen chemistry I had with Sara was even more intense off-screen - being the same age, we literally grew up together - two kids from opposite ends of the country enjoying fame and fortune and rampaging hormones...
Anita: I thought you had this big romance going with that Olympic skier guy?
Marcy: Bobby, yep, that was arranged by the producers - they also set up Sara with the mayor's son... she's married to him now with four kids
Anita: Wow - so I guess it worked out?
Marcy: I guess you could say that
Marcy: Nah, it was mostly a teenage crush thing coupled with the fact that she was the only person in the whole world who knew exactly what I was going through - "Jackie" and "Julie" were too young and "Johnny" was too busy porking Widow Perkins when other crew members weren't
Anita: WIDOW PERKINS WAS A SLUT
Marcy: (Slight laugh) Tell me about it!
Anita: You... um didn't, I mean...
Marcy: ARE YOU KIDDING? - I have some standards
Anita: (Sighing) Good
Marcy: (Playfully) Not for you, it isn't
The two chuckle and shift positions.
Anita: So, are you going to do the reunion movie?
Marcy: Not in this lifetime or the next
Anita: C'MON, YOU HAVE TO
Marcy: No, I do not - I am done with the character of "Jamie" - I owe her nothing and I owe the audience nothing - in fact, they are the ones who owe me
Anita: You're being a total diva!
Marcy: Nope, it's called self-respect... what little of it I still managed to hang on to in this business
Anita: Gimme a break, lady, your career revolves around "B" films and playing a freaking space frog - I highly doubt going back to the role that lined your pockets and made you famous is going to typecast someone who is on the other side of 25
Marcy: You'll never understand
Anita: Do a better job of convincing me
One of the spa attendants pokes her head in the door.
Attendant: Jamie... I'm so sorry, I meant Ms. Nolan, it's time for your milk bath and mud mask
Marcy: (Getting up and glaring at Anita) Thanks
Attendant: It's just that I think of you as Jamie
Marcy: I understand
Attendant: Maybe I could get an autograph from you after the bath... it's for my little sister of course
Marcy: (Walking out the door) Of course
Now relaxing in a private room, submerged in a milk bath with a mud mask covering her face and cucumber slices over her eyes, Marcy takes in the soothing scents of aromatherapy while listening to smooth jazz over the sound system.
Anita: (In a robe and closing the door behind her) I can't believe you listen to this crap
Marcy: (Not moving) I like this crap - why are you in here, Lieutenant, this is a private room?
Anita: (Taking a seat next to the tub) I came in here to apologize - I guess I can see how being Jamie has a few drawbacks
Marcy: Mmm - apology accepted
Anita lingers and says nothing.
Marcy: Is that it?
Anita: (Getting up to leave) Enjoy the rest of your rest
Marcy: (Taking the slices off of her eyes) Anita, wait...
Marcy: I... I like talking with you - stay... if you'd like
Anita: (Returning to the side of the tub) Alright
Marcy: Tell me about yourself - your job, family
Anita: Actually, I came here today to forget about my job and family - I hope you don't mind
Marcy: I understand - so, what should we talk about?
Anita: (Raising an eyebrow) Do we have to talk?
Marcy: Heh, yes, for now we do
Marcy: We can switch back to talking about me - actors are incredibly self-involved, we have to be
Anita: I think I've met my match!
Marcy: We'll see about that
Anita: I have a question for you
Marcy: Go ahead
Anita: (Folding her arms) Why Ned?
Marcy: Why not Ned?
Anita: Is he what you want in bed
Marcy: Some of the time
Marcy: Flake, coward, whore... I've heard it all before - but it doesn't change the fact that I like doing it with guys - I just happen to like doing it with girls as well
Anita: Why can't you decide?
Marcy: Why should I have to? - have you ever been with a man?
Anita: (Adamant) Never
Marcy: Ever have the urge to?
Anita: (More adamant) Never
Marcy: See, you're a lesbian and I respect that - I wish you could show me the same respect
Anita: I respect those who know who they are
Marcy: I know exactly who I am - I am a bisexual and that's a huge difference, I value the person, not the body part
Anita: (Standing up) Oh yeah? - I can guess which part on Ned you value the most
Marcy: It's more than that - I might give off a strong masculine vibe, but I really do like pink roses and lace curtains... along with the hockey and the sports cars - I just find a man who likes to cook and do the laundry, it's a nice yin yang balance
Anita: And the part of you staring inside my robe opening, what part of the equation does that balance out to?
Marcy: It's called enjoying the view
Anita: Do you love him?
Marcy: I do
Anita: Then why am I wasting my time here?
Marcy: Do you consider it a waste?
Anita: I like friendly chatter as much as the next person but when I'm right next to a beautiful woman in a milk bath and nothing is going to come of it besides more talking, yeah, I do consider it a waste of my time
Marcy: Who is to say nothing will come of it?
Anita: You just said earlier that...
Marcy: Not here - you think I would be stupid enough to risk doing it in a public place? - I may be playing a space frog to you but I happen to love my job
Growing frustrated, Anita stomps about the room.
Marcy: Show some patience, Fiore... and some brains
Marcy slowly gets out of the tub with Anita watching appreciatively.
Marcy: Don't just stand there like a moron, gimme your robe!
Anita: There's another one hanging on the door, get it yourself
Marcy: (Untying Anita's belt) I want yours
Lieutenant Fiore finally complies. Now standing there naked, she helps a grinning Ms. Nolan into the robe and then quickly heads out for the showers. Anita spends about fifteen minutes under the streams of cold water, trying to process the discussion, when a fully-dressed Marcy pokes her head in past the thin plastic curtain.
Marcy: (Taking a long look and then in a low voice) Next Tuesday night at the Quartz Lake Inn... if you think you can handle it
Anita: We'll see if you can
Surfaced on July 1, 2000
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