Aboard the USCG patrol boat "Catalina," Captain Craig Phelps and Lieutenant Anita Fiore comb the mid-afternoon waters of Duquesa Bay, looking for clues about Darkfin.
Anita: (Studying a map with handwritten notes on it) We should be doing this at night
Craig: (Cleaning his sunglasses) You know how expensive nighttime operations are, lieutenant
Anita: I think solving the mystery of Aleta Oscura is worth a few extra greenbacks
Craig: Greenbacks we need to justify before a board - a board consists of more than one person - multiple people privy to this information means assholes like Isaacson get to ride us like ponies
Anita: I won't mind taking Kylee for a ride
Craig: (Checking some equipment) It's good to know you never let go of an obsession, Fiore
Anita: At least I'm upfront about mine - tell them to head northeast at half speed
Craig: We've been over this same section of the grid for days now, what exactly are you expecting to find?
Anita: Something... anything
Craig: Are you going to throw a few tuna lures out there and hope she takes the bait?
Anita: I have triangulated all of the major Darkfin sightings, went back and did some calculations on the weather patterns, water temps, schools of fish...
Craig: (Stunned) YOU did all of that?
Anita: (Sheepish) I had a little help
Craig: Ah, and does this "Little Help" have big boobs?
Anita: OK, I'm screwing this marine biology student to help me with the research
Craig: (Cringing) Eech, crunchy granola!
Anita: But, like the snack, she's quick and easy and is most beneficial in assisting me - taste is not the important thing here
Craig: Heh - you ARE keeping her in the dark about the subject matter... pun intended
Anita: (Winking) Of course, she just thinks I like dolphins
Craig: (Laughing and shaking his head) Aw, man - hey, why didn't you ask your brother-in-law for help instead?
Anita: Actually, this student came from Sandy as a personal reference, if you get my drift
Craig: (Slamming down his fist on the rail) THAT SLIME
Anita: Craig, seriously, nothing would make me happier than to see my sister dump that asswipe for you but that's not going to happen... they have kids together
The captain is silent for a moment.
Anita: You know, there are a couple of fine-looking ladies at the gym that have asked about "my superior" - want me to hook you up?
Craig: I can find my own dates, Anita
Anita: Then, do so... soon
Aboard their yacht, "Dream Doer," Doug Martel and his wife Ursula are below in the master cabin as a wrap party for the TV show "Sigma 7" rages above them on deck. Sprawled out on a king-sized bed in a tiny black bikini, numerous gold chains and large Versace sunglasses, the woman behind R'xal, Queen of the Warrior Moons, clutches her head and moans. Her husband, wearing khaki shorts and a red Hawaiian shirt massages her feet as he sips a Pina Colada.
Ursula: Explain to me, Dougie, why must you look like an American Tourist?
Doug: I could wear Speedos if you would prefer
Ursula: You would frighten the guests... maybe that's a good idea
The older man chuckles and checks his cell phone for messages. Ursula abruptly kicks it out of his hand and shoves her foot in his face.
Ursula: PAY ATTENTION TO ME
Doug: (Rubbing her foot) Are you still seasick?
Ursula: (Baby voice) I don't know
Doug: Well, do you still feel like tossing your cookies all over Marcy?
Ursula: (Suddenly sitting up) I feel like that all the time!
The former supermodel and Yugoslav native grabs her husband and starts to kiss him passionately while trying to undo his pants.
Doug: Um, I sure hope you don't feel like that right now
A short while later, Ursula wipes her mouth with a tissue as Doug lies back on the bed with a wide grin.
Doug: (Stroking his wife's back) Can I, uh, return the favor?
Ursula: Don't touch me
Doug: (Quickly pulling away) Right
Ursula: I want Marcy killed off
Doug: (Sighing) Not that again, Urs - how many times have we been through this?
Ursula: She annoys me
Doug: They ALL annoy you but we can't keep killing them off... with Rojilio gone, we are now down to three lead players - this USED to be an ensemble show!
Ursula: But I am THE star
Doug: (Sipping his drink) No one is disputing that but the audience loves the tension between R'xal and Bogree - it's the classic hero/villain theme and we can't afford to lose that right now
Ursula: Write another character similar to hers
Doug: (Holding his forehead) We have tried that but none of them have caught on like Bogree - people just love Marcy... and she knows it
Ursula: (Pouting) That's what I don't understand - we've buried her under tons of ugly make-up and made her "good" and the audience still adores her
Doug: When people see her out of make-up at interviews and conventions they are absolutely wowed by her personality...
Ursula: Take a few conventions away from her
Doug: We need the publicity
Ursula: Well then, increase MINE
Doug: You hate doing conventions
Ursula: True... I do not know where their hands have been
Doug: The big thing with Marcy is that a lot of them remember her from "Life's Little Lessons" - you can't squash that
Ursula: Damn stupid sitcom... when am I getting my own sitcom?
Doug: We're working on it, Babe
The woman flops back down on the bed and thinks.
Doug: You know, this has been our strongest season to date - the ratings are solid, we were nominated in the special effects category - we should all be very proud of that
Doug: I was scared shitless when we moved production down here from Vancouver but it worked out well
Ursula: (Admiring her toes) I suppose
Doug: Just remember, Marcy was a former child star, YOU were an international supermodel!
Ursula: AND A MEMBER OF ROYALTY
Doug: (Rolling his eyes) Of course
Ursula: There is no contest
Doug: (Smiling) That's right
Ursula: (Pulling down her bikini top) Make love to me now!
The two begin to kiss.
Ursula: As long as she stays hidden under that hideous latex, I will be happy
Doug: Well, um, she kind of hinted that next season, she wants to be made a little more "human"
Ursula: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? - STOP SQUEEZING MY BREASTS
Ursula: WHO IN THE HELL DOES SHE THINK SHE IS? - SHE PORTRAYS A FRIGGING FROG CREATURE, SHE CANNOT LOOK HUMAN
Ursula: ABSOLUTELY NOT
Doug: You know this is the time she can renegotiate certain aspects of her contract
Ursula: Give her a raise
Doug: We can't afford large raises right now because of the cost of moving our production base - and she realizes that
Ursula: DUMB BITCH
Doug: Actually, she's very smart and very shrewd - if we don't go along with the lighter make-up, she wants her own M-O-W
Ursula: A MOVIE OF THE WEEK? - HOW DARE SHE?
Doug: You will still be getting two of your own
Ursula: (On the verge of tears) I HATE HER
Doug: Don't cry, you'll ruin your mascara
Ursula: (Composing herself) Alright
Doug: (Pulling her close to him) Listen, your M-O-W's will be on the network and will have an "ER" star attached to one of them - Marcy's will be on basic cable and she will be working with Randolph Mantooth
Ursula ponders this for a moment.
Doug: (Sliding down her bikini bottom) See, now don't I look after my girl?
Ursula: (Crawling on top of him) Yes, Baby, you do
Doug: Good, now let's do this fast, I don't want to miss out on the limbo contest
On the main deck, as partiers dance and drink around her, Marcy Nolan sits in the corner with a large straw hat, a wide stripe of zinc oxide across her nose, and a cell phone glued to her ear.
Marcy: Look, Mortie, I told you to dump those tech stocks - how are the overseas markets shaping up? - no, I do NOT want to talk show biz shop right now, you're my manager, you're supposed to be my evil agent AND my money man - now quit whining and do your fuckin' job already!
Ned, Ms. Nolan's blond Australian fiancé, rushes over to her with a large fish.
Ned: Isn't it killer?
Marcy: It's a fish
Ned: It's a barracuda!
Marcy: Like we don't have enough of those on this boat
Ned: It nearly took me wrist off dragging it in
Marcy: (Back to her conversation) Mortie, I'll have to call you back when this hellish day comes to an end... Ned, do you smell smoke?
Ned: It's probably just the barbie, Luv
Marcy: No, this does not smell like grilled shrimp
As she puts her cell phone away and Ned starts dancing around with his fish, the "Dream Doer" captain rushes over and blows a whistle.
Marcy: Is P.E. over so soon?
Captain: May I have everyone's attention please - we have had a minor incident with the engine... it's sort of burning
One of the starlets notices dark smoke coming from the stern.
Starlet: OHMIGOD, THE BOAT IS ON FIRE, EEEEEKKK
Marcy: Isn't this just perfect
Ned: Crikey, I wanted to fish some more!
Captain: PLEASE, PLEASE, no one panic - everything is contained, there's a Coast Guard cutter on its way to assist us, just please put you life jackets on and stay towards the bow, thank you
Ned: I wonder where Ursula and Doug are?
Marcy: She's probably still below, running her lines on his dick
Ned: (Helping her with an orange life jacket) Do you think I can still keep me barracuda?
Marcy: (Patting his arm) We'll see
Craig and Anita's ship pulls up to the disabled yacht and they come aboard. After securing the engine and doing a check of everything else, they return to the deck with Doug and Ursula and speak with the guests. They start to issue citations to some of the obviously inebriated partiers.
Marcy: Heh, this day keeps on getting better and better - now, we have to deal with Coasties!
Lieutenant Fiore, hearing the slang term for Coast Guard personnel, turns around and locks eyes with Ms. Nolan. She struts over to the actress who is still in her orange life jacket and straw hat.
Anita: (Looking at her face) Nice stripe
Marcy: Are you done playing high seas cop?
Anita: Not quite - that's a non-reg PFD you're wearing... a costly violation
Marcy: (Half smile) It's not my boat, I don't give a damn!
Anita: (Looking at her closer) Oh wow - aren't you...
Marcy: (Quickly) No
Anita: (Full smile) YEAH, YOU ARE - YOU'RE JAMIE FROM "LIFE'S LITTLE LESSONS"
Marcy: I WAS Jamie from "Life's Little Lessons" - that was nearly a decade ago, I have since moved on from that character, I would suggest you do the same
Anita: Of course, now you're some space frog, correct?
The two scowl at each other.
Marcy: Why don't you talk a walk, Coastie?
Anita: Quit calling me that or I'll keep calling you Jamie
Marcy: My father was a REAL military officer, he was a Navy SEAL - and you're run by... what is it again? - the Department of Agriculture?
Anita: (Turning red in the face) The Department of Transportation
Marcy: Ah, right - look, Lieutenant Fire-eye - it was fun chatting but I really want this day to end and you're just prolonging the misery
Anita places her hand on the rail of the ship and leans in towards Marcy's face.
Anita: Not until I get a breathalyzer test from you
Marcy: (Suddenly noticing Anita's bracelet) That's... that's beautiful - where did you get it?
Anita: (Softening a bit) It's a family heirloom
Marcy suddenly traces her fingertips along the star's points.
Anita: Um... why don't you come on the patrol boat with us, we can get you back to land sooner
Before she can answer, Ned sneaks up behind Marcy and grabs her into a hug.
Ned: Hey, I was just talking with Doug, once me fish is stuffed and mounted, he'll have one of his companies put in some kind of electronic gizmo that will make it sing along to "Men At Work" songs - won't that be wicked?
Marcy sighs as Anita looks on horrified.
Marcy: Thanks for the offer, lieutenant, but I suppose I should stay here
Anita: I understand, you'll all be on your way shortly
Marcy: Thank you
Anita: You're more than welcome
Back aboard the "Catalina," Craig finishes a conversation with one of his officers as Anita sits silently at a control panel.
Craig: You're awfully quiet, lieutenant
Anita: Just thinking...
Craig: Well, think about THIS, I scored the numbers of THREE, count them, THREE starlets from the yacht!
Anita: Women love to be rescued by studs in uniform
Craig: That's not the best part... Mrs. Martel herself grabbed my ass as I was leaving
Anita: (Gazing off) Good going, Crunch
Craig: (Now sitting next to her) OK, why are you suddenly in this funk? - what are you thinking?
Anita: I think... I'm in love
Craig: Oh no, no
Anita: (Singsong voice) It's Jamie!
Craig: Not another one of your crushes, Fiore - haven't you learned from the Shepperton one?
Anita: But Ms. Nolan and I had a moment
Craig: And did her buff Aussie beau share in this moment?
Anita: He's a pretty boy beard
Craig: You always assume that - for once, just once, stick with one obsession at a time... I think Darkfin is more than enough right now, don't you?
Anita: (Admiring her bracelet) Maybe
Surfaced on July 1, 2000
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